New Post Means New Poem

Again, keeping with my personal goal here is a new poem:

Idyllic Interludes

Threatened Tree-lines,

Succumbing Summer.

Roiling Rackets,

Accumulating Autumn,
In-fluxed Instances.
Nuanced Nettles
Inferring Iterations.
Nostalgia of Nature,
Greatly Granted.

Not my typical style.... but I like it.

Discovered something weird

Those who know me, know I am VERY confident in myself in most cases. We all have our insecurities and I have only recently solved most of mine.

I've heard many times that I'm a "different" person online. I used to take this point very seriously and I developed this demeanor now that seems to convince individuals that I am self-conscious and overly apologetic. When someone I respect pointed this fact out to me and basically berated me for it (I mean this in humor, see I'm doing it even here.... UGHH), I started to analyse why this is and how it came to be so.

I'm very introspective and VERY good at determining who I am and why I feel something so it didn't take me long to figure it out and this is what I've come up with so far: My last relationship (my marriage and best friendship) ended online.

Without going into specifics I feel it essentially came down to miscommunication and hurt feelings because so much of the fighting and disappointment was online. I knew it was the wrong way to handle what was going on but it was the only choice I was given. A major discussion that essentially ended the relationship once and for all, was had online and a month or so afterward when I was in a viable mind state to actually look at the situation in a objective light.... I discovered that there was a vital failure of communication. This failure in communication was my fault. I was not in a clear state of mind (dealing with some tragedy) and apparently did not communicate clearly.

This is why I apologize so much online, especially to people I value in some way. I am working on this issue and now that it's been brought to my attention it will drastically reduce but bad habits die hard.

If I apologize to you for something that I have no reason to apologize for.... slap me the next time you see me in public.

Poem for each post

My plan is to write a poem each time I blog... its my way to continue to challenge myself to get back in touch with my creative side.

It was quiet among the bamboo,

Only the hushed knocks of the poles,

Crashing together when the wind,

Rustled their slumbering masses.

Waiting for eternity, the Eyes stared,

Wondering where the pursuer currently patrols,

Wishing the forest would part to show the,

Waging war in the mountains and grasses.

If the warrior had suddenly disappeared,

Objective remembrance would allow,

Choices shown in the past battle,

Revealing the pursuer was above.

Frightening speed drove the attacker,

Fighting the bamboo as soil to a plough,

Flying tears falling like deadly rain drops,

Forgiving his brother out of pure love.

Thats it. Part 1 done!

Sometimes brains get in the way

Why do I stick my foot in my mouth so much? Why do I over analyze what someone else thinks about what I say? Why do I get so nervous with some people and others I have the confidence of a Velociraptor?

All of these are issues I've struggled with for years. Second guessing myself and questioning whether how I came off to someone else is valid or not.

UGG! Sometimes I'm upset at the circumstances of my life but I have to continue to remember that all things are in my power, I will change those things about myself I do not like.

So thats the answer to those questions.... STOP IT! You have got to rely that if you come off as an ass or a jerk that the individuals you are talking too have the balls and self-confidence to say something to you. I will do that from now on. If you know me... know that I expect you to stick up for yourself if you feel like I am treating you unfairly.

HAH!!

A new poem

Because I promised myself to reconnect with my poetic self...

Silence is golden in the darkness of night,

Like a rogue missile above a sleeping city.

It is heartbeats that fill the exploding quiet,

Of an empty abode echoing it's memories.

The chilled air from the wooded night,

Through an open portlet of past and present,

Sweeps in squelching the shattered silence ,

Settling like dust on an untouched mantle.

Fire crackles where the chilled air meets,

A invisible onslaught ensues upon contact,

Oblivious the heart beats alone restrained,

Slowing to the speed of a vibrating solid.

Howling escapes the constraint of eve,

Dancing among the stars to music unheard,

Heartbeats ripple among the foreboding mishap,

Unrealized action presents an interesting shock.

The heart beats continuously freed of pain,

The hurt itself now the night air abound,

A heavy laden sigh of calm quivers,

Silence is golden in the darkness of night.

Reconnecting....

Reading a friends blog the last few weeks has inspired me to pick up my musings again. I'm not nearly the word-smith my friend is but I certainly feel it's time to try.

So, today I want to talk about my mental state in general. Some of this may be a shock to those that know me personally and for those of you who do not or are looking for a "safe" way to understanding the mess that is my brain.... welcome!

Most know me as the energetic, happy, entertaining, and sometimes annoying person that I am so good at being.

Side note: That last moniker I attached is my personal way of making sure I'm still humbling myself. I feel often that if I allow my confidence and self-worth show that I must apply some degrading filter to validate the positive aspects of my personality.

As I was saying, most know me as the person I am so good at being. There are sides of my personality that many do not get to see. The sides I am so afraid to show the world because I was for the longest parts of my childhood told that those aspects were worthless. Comedy and humor, though a part of me, is a mask. I am a deep romantic, a side of myself I have recently re-discovered. I am an intelligent and sober contemplative who tempers his strong willed opinions with compassion and a core belief that every person on this earth deserves a chance at happiness.

It is hard for me to show these sides to anyone, even the closest of my friends. This blog was my original attempt to connect with this side in an a way that was "safe".

I am feeling so blessed to be a part of the people's lives that I have been in the last few months. For the first time in years I feel like I'm changing the world even in the smallest of ways. That is my goal: to change the world. I believe I have it within me to do so and I so desperately want to change this world for the better. So much suffering and disappointment is spread throughout this beautiful and mysterious place that it's time for someone and/or something to be a catalyst for change. We all can be that catalyst, I've just found the courage and gumption to stand up and say I will be one of those!

Now it's a matter of not getting bogged down with the torturous self-doubts that I have been plagued with since childhood. They get easier and easier to push away as I age but they never disappear. I think we all struggle with these self-doubts but coming from a family situation that would make most people squirm I have this idea that I am somehow more susceptible to the doubts. When you're a sensitive child and have all of these self-doubts told to be real and true by someone you look to for guidance, inspiration and support shatters your confidence.

It was only recently, within the last two or three years, that I could approach someone with any authority over me with any kind of sense of equality or confidence. I cannot being to count how much my adult life has bogged me down with fear of authority. I still have a difficult time with identifying individuals with strong personalities as someone not older than me. Perhaps it is this mindset that sometimes people feel that I approach the world with a child's eyes.

And thats the rub of my musing today: I approach the world with the eyes of child merged with the brain of patient intellectual. There are those in the world who would take advantage of my approach but with all things in life there are pros and cons.

The pro of my approach is the ability to inspire, the ability to see the magic in even the smallest things. The con is the continual and devastating disappointment of manipulation and outright hurt.

I am an open book to some. I am not sure what it is about some few individuals that I feel like I can be open and show them all of myself. It's a gut feeling that has little to no outward stimuli, you either are or you are not. It's no wonder I get my feelings hurt when I tell someone I'm an open book and they are unaffected, they don't know what I'm truly saying. Thats something I'm working on, I usually say what I mean exactly how I mean it but when it comes to the hidden side of myself it's difficult for me to transition.

Well thats it, my inspired blog post. Hope it was revealing, inspirational and/or useful to you readers.

Untitled Poem

Well, it's been a little while since I've needed to write...

Lets just say I need to write now.

Desperate yawns,
Among the quiet humming.
Burning eyes,
Filled with stale tears.

The discarded jester,
Dressed in glory,
Smiles his way to life.
Never knowing the time.

Drive for passion,
The fear of correctness,
Eating at the layers.
Mocking the movements.

Where is it that life goes,
When God takes the day off?
Is it practical for children,
To know the love of parents?

Forever gone the days of youth,
The innocence burned at the stake.
Only shells remain to be filled,
Fortified by legions of pain.

Why is it the Joker is tossed,
When it alone knows the score?
The Joker torn and scattered,
The game played and won.